I wrote this letter to an Algonquin College counsellor with whom I was working with to deal with the news of my father's ultimately fatal cancer diagnosis. I found it recently when I was cleaning out my inbox and decided to post it here. I've taken out the specifics of the ceremony and blocked out names for privacy sake and to respect the oral tradition of the sacred ceremony.

There was so much about that period of time that I am grateful for but the main thing I learned is that it's ok to be me. Just me. Not someone's daughter, sister, partner, mother, co-worker, friend etc... Me. I have inbred gifts from my Creator to offer the world that no one else has. That gives me strength when I am tested and feel like running from my problems. Thanks for reading.

sâkihitowask ᓵᑭᐦᐃᑐᐊᐧᐢᐠ NI love medicine (CW)

Good evening KXXX,

I hope you are enjoying the start of wonderful holiday time with your family and friends. 

I thought I would write you to tell you the results of your suggestion to seek out an elder in my hometown. Before I left OXXX I emailed a couple of friends who I thought may have some names for me to contact and a good friend of mine suggested two: one was a woman elder whose number in the phone book was no longer operable and the other was a phone number for the XXX Friendship Centre. I dialed the number one morning soon after arrival and ended up speaking to AXXX, who is actually a youth development worker. 


We agreed to meet that afternoon in his office. 

I explained to AXXX my father's condition and the ensuing unraveling of some members of my family's peace of mind. He suggested I request a healing ceremony from an elder / medicine man and his mentor for many years. AXXX led me through the proper rituals of offerings, gifts and gratitude and we went to visit XXX at his home just outside town. 

I presented XXX with the appropriate offering and explained that my father was dying of pancreatic cancer. I was hoping for healing of the family and strength to get through the months ahead. My father is not spiritual and didn't know that I was there. I didn't ask specifically for the cancer to be cured since I thought that since my father wasn't present it would be a difficult thing to ask of the spirits. 


XXX has an amazing presence that I've never experienced with someone before: you feel calm and happy and warmed just being around him and you sense he has great love for everyone and everything. I told AXXX the same on our way back into town and he said he felt the same way when he met him so many years ago. I never felt unwelcome even though as far as I know I do not have aboriginal blood. That meant alot to me.

In the meantime, my father's condition was getting very bad: the effects of the chemo were destroying his appetite, his alertness and seemingly his will to live. When I visited, he could not stay awake for more than five minutes and did not want to talk. My sister was able to lie with him for awhile and apparently they both cried for much of time. I was feeling discouraged. It felt like they were giving up and I wasn't willing to yet. That night was very long and very dark for me and the weather was stormy and tumultuous as it had been since I arrived in town.

I found out I would have to leave a day earlier than planned and so I called AXXX to ask if a proxy could stand in for me for the ceremony I had requested. He told me that we were able to perform the healing ceremony that day. Luckily I had bought a long dress the day before and was able to focus my energy for the task ahead. 

During our first meeting AXXX had explained how the ceremony would take place and the significance of the items that would be used. I wanted to bring food as an offering but only had uncooked wild rice and four apples on hand. I also brought the rest of a pouch of tobacco I had bought before my first visit with the elder. 

When I put on my dress I experienced another strange but welcome feeling: I felt very alert, tingling and my sadness evaporated. The clouds outside seemed to part too, and the rain stopped. By the time we arrived the clouds were parting more and the sun broke through just as we started. There were four people involved in the ceremony (I was only expecting two) so my gift of four apples was shared equally.

AXXX translated afterwards but I could sense the meaning at times: that Creator made us to be loving and to appreciate our time on earth, that the spirits were willing to hear my prayers, that the stormy weather we have had recently was a sign that Thunder Bird was hearing me. The same thought kept running through my head: I am here. 

I felt very "present", like my feet were rooted into the earth and the beats of the drums went through me, to the ground, and back into the drum. I was emotional for much of it, but I wasn't sad, I was so grateful: for you telling me to seek an elder, for AXXX leading me to XXX, for a path that started for me over 5 years ago when a butterfly seemed to be sending me a message of hope. I was given the opportunity to speak aloud what I was praying for and I began with that gratitude message. I then asked for strength for my family, and asked to be given the chance to see my father again as he was before the cancer: full of life, sass, energy and ready for adventure. During this time, a butterfly floated in front of me and landed by my chair where it stayed the entire time. 

I have respected the message and teachings I was given and saw some results the next day. My father wanted to plan a celebration for his partner who had returned to be by his side since his diagnosis, my sister L sent a message to my sister S praising her hard work in supporting the businesses when my Dad couldn't and there has been a general feeling of hope in the air that wasn't there before.

I explained what I could to my sister but she immediately said she wouldn't follow the directions given. I haven't been able to speak to my father until recently and my brother A isn't speaking to me right now at all. He is actually in town visiting my father so I am not trying to contact him again until he comes back to OXXX. He will probably react as my sister did, but I am still hopeful. Even if none of the other members of my family believe in this healing, I am convinced it was successful.

Where before each day was one less day I would have with my father and that caused me pain, now I see each day as a gift. I wake each day and thank Creator for the path before me that led me to speak to you, to began to overcome my addictions and self-defeating behaviour, and to be present, fully, for the people I love. My father has been feeling better and better since the 13th of June when the ceremony was held and has decided not to do another round of chemo for now. He wants to remain in town for his grandchildren and children. I spoke to him on the phone the other day and we were laughing and joking together, like his old self. 

I am so grateful. 

Meegwetch,

M

PS. Thanks for your tips about taking walks alone when the family 'celebrations' become too much. Every single day I was with family members, there was drinking, sometimes quite heavy, and I felt out of place. When I was able to be alone, I realized that it's ok to be the odd one out. I am me and I am here :) 

Seeds, part two

I tell myself, "this is but
   one moment in Time
Remember my indigenous Mind
   set into Earth
with Sunrises and Falls
   cause Change happens slowly after all"

"Share breath with the Wind
   and walk
Cleanse thoughts with the Water
   and talk
to the Creator, connect spirit,
   connect soul

Let the Love
   that has seeded
Take root
   and Grow"

Mickie
May 16, 2013
(started November 4, 2011)

All for love

When I met Robert almost two years ago I was very clear about my expectations. I was still smarting from a previous involvement with a man and not willing to put my trust in anyone. I told him on our first date that I would date other people and he would have to accept that. I didn't want a relationship and I didn't want to rely on a man for anything. I was going back to school and macheting through the jungle ::by myself::.

I will never forget his reaction. He smiled  and said "You're going to pick me because I know you." The next week I cancelled all my dates (the whole two of them LOL). Turns out even when I didn't know myself, he did.

Sunday we picked out rings for each other and he asked me to marry him. It's been a difficult and wonderful couple of years together but when I said yes it came from deep in my heart. I realized that feeling for him had always been there but fear and a lack of self-confidence had me hiding from it.

Today I feel like the same person, but in a different skin. I try not to hide when my feelings overwhelm me and can talk to people about them. It hasn't been an easy path, but I'm glad I chose to follow it to here (with the guidance of a few butterflies ;).

- Mickie

Lost Button Studio: Homemade Brownies Recipe - Big Batch

Lost Button Studio: Homemade Brownies Recipe - Big Batch:     I have made these brownies 5 times in the last two weeks for different occasions. M saw the cookie sheet on the counter a couple of d...

Because coffee still tastes better in a real mug than in waxed cardboard anyday
And a coffee that starts with a hug between friends will always beat the smiley face,
or even the little ♥
Because you can sing it out and feel the rain
without drowning in it, and every time feels like the first one.

Shahi Korma

Shahi Korma (vegetarian variation)
from: Indian Flavour / Jeeti Gandhi, 2002

1/4 cup plain yogurt
1/4 teaspoon cardamom seeds, pounded
1-inch piece fresh root ginger
1 tablespoon chopped garlic
3 tablespoons blanched and chopped almonds
3 tablespoons vegetable oil (or ghee)
1 1/2 pounds chopped mixed vegetables (such as cauliflower, potatoes, beans and carrots)
2 onions, minced
2 bay leaves*
4 whole cloves*
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cumin (preferably freshly ground)
salt, to taste
1/2 cup cream, mixed with 1 1/4 cups water
1/2 teaspoon garam masala

Place the yogurt, cardamom, ginger, garlic, and almonds in a blender and blend to a smooth paste. Set aside.
In a wide-based pan (preferably cast iron) heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onions, bay leaves, cloves, and vegetables and stir-fry for 10 minutes or until the onions have browned.
Stir in yogurt/almond paste, paprika, cumin, and salt. Continue to cook and stir until all the liquid is evaporated. Stir-fry another minute. Stir in cream and water mixture. When it starts to boil, reduce the heat to low, cover and simmer (stirring to prevent sticking) for 35-40 minutes longer until you have a thick gravy. Add more liquid if too dry.
Remove from heat.

Serve hot, sprinkled with 1/2 teaspoon of garam masala. Include chapati, naan or rice and kachoomber raita. Also goes well with mashed potatoes, steamed vegetables and a side salad.

you are beautiful

Miniature Disasters - KT Tunstall

(start at 0:50 to skip the logistics)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ8oLP_VQPc

Miniature Disasters 

I don't want to be second best 
Don't want to stand in line 
Don't want to fall behind 
Don't want to get caught out 
Don't want to do without 
And the lesson I must learn 
Is that I've got to wait my turn 

Looks like I got to be hot and cold 
I got to be taught and told 
Got to be good as gold 
But perfectly honest 
I think it would be good for me 
Coz it's a hindrance to my health 
I'm a stranger to myself 

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes 
Bring me to my knees 
Well I must be my own master 
Or a miniature disaster will be 
It will be the death of me 

I don't have to raise my voice 
Don't have to be underhand 
Just got to understand 
That it's gonna be up and down 
It's gonna be lost and found 
And I can't take to the sky 
Before I like it on the ground 

And i need to be patient 
And i need to be brave 
Need to discover 
How i need to behave 
And I'll find out the answers 
When i know what to ask 
But i speak a different language 
And everybody's speaking too fast 

Miniature disasters and minor catastrophoes 
Bring me to my knees 

Well I must be my own master 
I've got to run a little faster 
I need to know I'll last if a little 
Miniature disaster hits me 
It could be the death of me

(start at 0:50 to skip the logistics)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQ8oLP_VQPc

Some RAD Lessons

August 25, 2012

Beyond the basics of learning to fish, to cook, to bartend, waitress, light a campfire, split firewood, work a front desk and a pellet stove, I’d like to share just a few of the numerous things my father taught me over the years.

Spend Christmas Eve watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” Whatever stresses you’ve been under will dissappear.

Never give up. Even on the Toronto Maple Leafs.

I learned to buy quality. Unless you see something nifty on an infomercial. Then buy quantity.

Dipping crusty bread into good olive oil, parmesan cheese and fresh pepper is heavenly.

I learned it’s ok to cook at your own wedding.

No matter the weather or number of diners, amazing gourmet meals can be served on islands and at campsites.

I learned that cast iron frying pans come in really, really big sizes.

If I asked him to be there, my father would always be counted on for advice on life’s challenges. Not that he ever needed to be asked. 

Ruby Island is a wonderful place for treasure hunts.

I learned that you can tell the same story to the same people a million times and they will still want to hear it if you tell it right. Storytelling is an art and he was a master.

Keep both eyes on the road. You never know when a flaming tire will come rolling down the highway at you.

Fish everywhere and often.

I learned how hard it is to be humble.

Fedoras are cool.

Be creative, tap into your unique gifts to the world. Then be brave enough to act upon your knowledge.

 

Believe in love and it will find you. If you’re lucky, more than once. My father was a very, very, very, very lucky man.

I learned to always carry a pocketknife. And a flashlight. And pliers. And toliet paper. Always.

Hornepayne, Ontario has the best Baked Alaska ever, especially delicious after a 'controlled landing' (NOT called a crash or emergency landing). 

If you really need to, you can sleep anywhere.

I learned that even if you’ve been to Shanghai, Guatemala, Rome or New Zealand, the best sunset is right off his dock on Pelican Lake.

I learned that even after he was gone that he found a way to let us know he was okay. 

I learned which words carry the most power.  “I love you”, “Goodbye” and “I miss you”.

Michelle Aura Davidson

for Richard Allen Davidson 1942 - 2012