I am so grateful to wake up every day. I have choices today that I didn't have five years ago, not because they weren't there but because I never believed they were. I thought I had to wait and follow and now I know I can jump and lead. 

This winter I will be working on making my dreams reality and I have a framework of what that looks like in my head. The job is to put it on paper and #MakeitHappen. Exciting to come out of that fog of indecision and lace up my big girl boots for a change. Since I began to recover from drug and alcohol abuse, I've been building up pieces of a shattered life, its no wonder I feel scattered too. I'm beginning to accept the fact of my muddled mind and emotions and embrace the fact that it's the #WayItIS or will be for the next couple of years at least. 

Giddyup!

Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Women Who Run With the Wolves Quotes 

“There is probably no better or more reliable measure of whether a woman has spent time in ugly duckling status at some point or all throughout her life than her inability to digest a sincere compliment. Although it could be a matter of modesty, or could be attributed to shyness- although too many serious wounds are carelessly written off as "nothing but shyness"- more often a compliment is stuttered around about because it sets up an automatic and unpleasant dialogue in the woman's mind.

If you say how lovely she is, or how beautiful her art is, or compliment anything else her soul took part in, inspired, or suffused, something in her mind says she is undeserving and you, the complimentor, are an idiot for thinking such a thing to begin with. Rather than understand that the beauty of her soul shines through when she is being herself, the woman changes the subject and effectively snatches nourishment away from the soul-self, which thrives on being acknowledged."

"I must admit, I sometimes find it useful in my practice to delineate the various typologies of personality as cats and hens and ducks and swans and so forth. If warranted, I might ask my client to assume for a moment that she is a swan who does not realzie it. Assume also for a moment that she has been brought up by or is currently surrounded by ducks.

There is nothing wrong with ducks, I assure them, or with swans. But ducks are ducks and swans are swans. Sometimes to make the point I have to move to other animal metaphors. I like to use mice. What if you were raised by the mice people? But what if you're, say, a swan. Swans and mice hate each other's food for the most part. They each think the other smells funny. They are not interested in spending time together, and if they did, one would be constantly harassing the other.

But what if you, being a swan, had to pretend you were a mouse? What if you had to pretend to be gray and furry and tiny? What you had no long snaky tail to carry in the air on tail-carrying day? What if wherever you went you tried to walk like a mouse, but you waddled instead? What if you tried to talk like a mouse, but insteade out came a honk every time? Wouldn't you be the most miserable creature in the world?

The answer is an inequivocal yes. So why, if this is all so and too true, do women keep trying to bend and fold themselves into shapes that are not theirs? I must say, from years of clinical observation of this problem, that most of the time it is not because of deep-seated masochism or a malignant dedication to self-destruction or anything of that nature. More often it is because the woman simply doesn't know any better. She is unmothered.”

“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”

“It is worse to stay where one does not belong at all than to wander about lost for a while and looking for the psychic and soulful kinship one requires”

Prince Charles addresses COP21

COP21: Full speech by Prince Charles to delegates at climate change talks in Paris, November 30, 2015

Minister Pulgar-Vidal, Minister Fabius, Madame Figueres, Your Excellencies, Ladies and Gentlemen, I am enormously touched to have been invited by President Hollande to say a very few words at the start of this crucially important Conference. May I just begin by expressing my profound horror at what happened in Paris two weeks ago, together with untold sympathy for the grieving families and loved ones of those whose lives were so brutally extinguished? My heart is with the courageous French people in their hour of anguish.

Ladies and Gentlemen, as the Executive Secretary has just said, rarely in human history have so many people around the world placed their trust in so few. Your deliberations over the next two weeks will decide the fate not only of those alive today, but also of generations yet unborn.

So I can only urge you to think of your grandchildren, as I think of mine, and of those billions of people without a voice; those for whom hope is the rarest of sensations; those for whom a secure life is a distant prospect.

Most of all, I urge you to consider the needs of the youngest generation, because none of us has the right to assume that "for our today they should give up their tomorrow."

On an increasingly crowded planet, humanity faces many threats – but none is greater than climate change. It magnifies every hazard and tension of our existence. It threatens our ability to feed ourselves; to remain healthy and safe from extreme weather; to manage the natural resources that support our economies, and to avert the humanitarian disaster of mass migration and increasing conflict.

In damaging our climate we become the architects of our own destruction. While the planet can survive the scorching of the earth and the rising of the waters, the human race cannot. The absurd thing is that we know exactly what needs to be done; we know we cannot adapt sufficiently to go on as we are, nor can we build ourselves a new atmosphere. To avoid catastrophe we must restrict climate change to less than two degrees, which requires a dramatic reduction in carbon emissions.

This can be done. We have the knowledge, the tools and the money – only 1.7% per cent of global annual consumption would be required to put us on the right low carbon path for 2030. We lack only the will and the framework to use them wisely, consistently and at the required global scale. Governments collectively spend more than a trillion dollars every year on subsidies to energy, agriculture and fisheries. Just imagine what could be done if those vast sums supported sustainable energy, farming and fishing, rather than fossil fuels, deforestation and over-exploitation of the seas. It is the premium we need to pay for our collective, long-term insurance policy. We are always hearing nowadays that all our actions must be based on "good science". We have that science. Why, then, when it comes to climate change is this apparently no longer applicable?

We have also seen how fast innovation and investment can drive low carbon energy technologies and we are learning how to develop circular economies, in which everything we previously regarded as waste becomes the feedstock for future growth.

So I pray that in pursuing National interest you will not lose sight of the International necessity. Back in 2009, just before COP.15, in Copenhagen, I remember trying to point out that the best scientific projections gave us less than a hundred months to alter our behaviour before we risk the tipping point of catastrophic climate change, beyond which there is no recovery. Have we really reached such a collective inertia that ignores so clear a warning? Eighty of those hundred months have now passed, so we must act now. Already we are being overtaken by other events and crises that can be seen as greater and more immediate threats. But in reality many are already and will increasingly be related to the rapidly growing effects of climate change.

The whole of Nature cries out at our mistreatment of Her. If the planet were a patient, we would have treated her long ago. You, Ladies and Gentlemen, have the power to put her on life support, and you must surely start the emergency procedures without further procrastination!

So today, after far too long an interval, you are all here to set us on the road to a saner future. If, at last, the moment has arrived to take those long-awaited steps towards rescuing our planet and our fellow man from impending catastrophe, then let us pursue that vital goal in a spirit of enlightened and humane collaboration.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I wish you well in your endeavours and I shall pray for your success.

Too freaky ... 

The Year Ahead

Forecast for October 2015 to October 2016

If You Were Born Today, October 19:

You are self-expressive and animated in speech. Your memory is outstanding when it comes to the "little things" that you pick up from others and when it comes to the past. You are curious and possess a dual nature--sometimes chatty and rational, and other times withdrawn and moody. You are quite determined and possess resolve. With good business sense and the ability to "read" people well, you are likely to enjoy much success in life as you age. You have the rare gift of the ability to be assertive and charming at the same time. You are charming, creative, and personable. Famous people born today: Evander Holyfield, John Lithgow, John Le Carre, Robert Reed, Jason Reitman, Desmond Harrington.

Your Birthday Year Forecast:

The Sun in a waxing sextile to the Moon in your Solar Return chart has a fortunate influence on your year ahead. You can be especially productive this year, as in many ways you are starting fresh, but you have a rather clear vision of what you want to accomplish. Your inner needs tend to be mirrored by external events, and vice versa, which helps to boost your confidence and happiness levels. You more readily accept that challenges are part of the natural cycle in life, which in turn helps you to meet them with confidence and to worry less. You are likely to be on top of your game this year for the most part, and positive connections with others can be made fairly easily. A comfortable level of personal popularity helps keep conflict to a minimum. With the ability to handle your emotions successfully, there will be less stress on both your mind and body.

This can be a year in which you are building faith and confidence in your personality, skills, and talents. You can experience a stronger desire to seek out meaning, wisdom, and mental stimulation in your life during this period. Others might frequently turn to you for guidance.

This can be a good period for gaining support and recognition from others, and you may be forming alliances that last a long time. Through your contacts with others, you are encouraged to grow, but also to pay more attention to rules and structure.

This is an important year for motivation and ambition, even if energy levels are sometimes up and down. You might enjoy increased influence, faith, and insight. The desire for more personal significance can be strong. The ability to sway or persuade can be enhanced this year. You might go to great lengths to better yourself, you could solve a long-standing problem, or capitalize upon a resource that was previously hidden.

You have great enterprising spirit this year, attracting strong opportunities on both professional and personal levels. You are able to see the "big picture", which helps you to plan effectively. You have significantly more courage and gumption, making the year ahead a unique one in which you are ready to try new things.

Personal magnetism is tremendous this year. This is a good period for creative projects and joining with others in pursuing a common goal. However, some caution with your personal finances and regarding your social relationships is in order. Try not to turn a blind eye to problem areas, as these can accumulate. Most importantly, you should do your best to watch out for tendencies towards self-deception. Things might look too good to be true, simply because you want to see the best. Relationship ups and downs are possible. The "highs" of a relationship may be thrilling, but the accompanying "lows" can be draining. However, tuning into reality from time to time can in fact stabilize things and bring a better balance to your life. 

Avoid sweeping changes with relationships unless you've truly thought things through.

This is a year for exploring possibilities, self-improvement efforts, and for strong personal and professional goals. You have an especially enterprising spirit and might initiate new endeavors. You're ready to put the effort into pursuing your goals. Be vigilant with financial affairs - stay grounded. Watch also for doing so much for others that you forget your own needs.

2015 is a Number One year for you. Ruled by the Sun. This is a year of action. The seeds you plant now, you will reap later. Others might find you less sociable, as you are busier than ever and you focus on your activities and your needs. Still, you are outgoing and your initiative is stronger than ever. Advice - Stand alone, take action, start fresh, express independence.

2016 will be a Number Two year for you. Ruled by the Moon. This is a year of potential companionship. It is a quiet, gentle, and mostly harmonious year that is less active than other years. Instead, you are more responsive to the needs of others. If you are patient and open yourself up in a gentle manner, you will attract both things and people. This is an excellent year in which to build and develop for the future. Advice - be patient, be receptive, enjoy the peace, collect.

PeriMe

47.

I turn 47 tomorrow. That's messing with my mind. I feel like a teenager lately with my biggest goal being  to FigureMyShitOut.  

I'm work in water treatment after spending years and big piles of money to certify for this career but I am a stranger in a strange land there most of the time. 

I have the opportunity again to run my late father's restaurant (I know, AGAIN??). But do I ::really:: want to do that?? Like really, really, really?

I volunteer with my local conservation authority and am a newly annoited Neighbourhood Leader for a food rescue organization. I love the volunteer work but it does not pay the bills.

I'm interested in permaculture and aboriginal knowledge of the land and water and spend alot of time on building understanding through ceremony. But I was not born to native parents and may or may not have aboriginal ancenstry so there are times where I feel like I don't belong in some of those circles.

And of course there's the physical acrobatics. My body reminds me at very irregular times with either a no show or a flood that the clock ticks are counting down. My mood is just as unpredictable.

Physical. Emotional. Mental. Spiritual. 

Working on one at a time these days.

Thanks for reading...

Doubts and certainty (Seeds part 3)

Doubts and certainty

The commitment made, know/hope to be right
sets fear twisting me tight
my voice still feeling small my thoughts still unwhole
the picture i keep grasped to my soul

snowflakes spin webs connecting dreams to the Earth
I'll enter the caves above, below, within and look to the four
Listen to the stories of my grandfathers stone
Follow the footsteps up my mountain alone

Feb 22 2015,

truth [past life]

i wish i didn't have technicolour dreams
that drag me off to a raging sea
ride the waves of hopes and plans
crash on the shore of reality again and again

it gets harder to lift myself back up
to keep the faith, to trust, to love
alone in my tower staring through glass
thinking I can leave things in the past

I do know at least this to be true
I'm not strong enough to wait for you
sit, imprisoned for another year
kept company with pain and tears

letting 'what this is' (was) go will hurt
but each day brings me further out
farther away from your embrace
that never seems to want to come my way

2011