Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label musings. Show all posts

18 October 2015

PeriMe

47.

I turn 47 tomorrow. That's messing with my mind. I feel like a teenager lately with my biggest goal being  to FigureMyShitOut.  

I'm work in water treatment after spending years and big piles of money to certify for this career but I am a stranger in a strange land there most of the time. 

I have the opportunity again to run my late father's restaurant (I know, AGAIN??). But do I ::really:: want to do that?? Like really, really, really?

I volunteer with my local conservation authority and am a newly annoited Neighbourhood Leader for a food rescue organization. I love the volunteer work but it does not pay the bills.

I'm interested in permaculture and aboriginal knowledge of the land and water and spend alot of time on building understanding through ceremony. But I was not born to native parents and may or may not have aboriginal ancenstry so there are times where I feel like I don't belong in some of those circles.

And of course there's the physical acrobatics. My body reminds me at very irregular times with either a no show or a flood that the clock ticks are counting down. My mood is just as unpredictable.

Physical. Emotional. Mental. Spiritual. 

Working on one at a time these days.

Thanks for reading...






11 February 2015

truth [past life]

i wish i didn't have technicolour dreams
that drag me off to a raging sea
ride the waves of hopes and plans
crash on the shore of reality again and again

it gets harder to lift myself back up
to keep the faith, to trust, to love
alone in my tower staring through glass
thinking I can leave things in the past

I do know at least this to be true
I'm not strong enough to wait for you
sit, imprisoned for another year
kept company with pain and tears

letting 'what this is' (was) go will hurt
but each day brings me further out
farther away from your embrace
that never seems to want to come my way

2011

6 November 2013

Butterfly Symbolism

From: http://www.spiritanimal.info/butterfly-spirit-animal/

Butterfly Symbolism

What is the meaning of the butterfly? This animal totem is primarily associated with symbolism of change and transformation.

Powerful transformation, metamorphosis in your life, personality
Moving through different life cycles
Renewal, rebirth
Lightness of being, playfulness
Elevation from earthly matters, tuning into emotional or spiritual
The world of the soul, the psyche
A secondary meaning of the butterfly is about finding joy in life and lightness of being.

Butterfly totem and transformation

The butterfly is a symbol of powerful transformations. By analogy to the development of this animal, the meaning associated with the butterfly emphasizes the ability to move from one state, perspective, lifestyle to another.

Mark Anthony Jacobson, 2009
When the butterfly comes into your life as spirit guide, you may be going through or expect important changes in your life. More than changes in your environment, the transformation the butterfly totem points to are more internal: They could be related to your own perspective on a subject, aspects of your personality, or personal habits. Personal transformation is emblematic of the butterfly symbolism.

Butterfly totem symbol of joy and lightness of being

When the butterfly shows up in your life as a spirit animal or totem, it might indicate the need to look at a conflicting situation with more lightness and different perspective. This totem animal is symbolic of lightness of being and elevation from the heaviness of tensions.

This power animal invites those who have a connection with it to bring joy and bliss into their lives. Butterflies often have bright colors. By extension, they are associated with aliveness and brightness. The message of this totem animal is to lighten up and add more color to your life. Perhaps it’s time to express yourself more fully and show your colorful personality.

The Butterfly and the world of the Soul

In many traditions around the world, the butterfly is a symbol of the soul or soul world. For example, in Chinese symbology, it can represent immortality. For the Japanese, a white butterfly symbolizes the soul the departed ones.

In Ancient Greece, butterflies represent the psyche or soul, and its attribute of immortality.

Calling the butterfly totem for support

The butterfly is a powerful animal to call when you need support in times of transition, whether it’s at work, in a relationship, or when you’re doing inner work. Great ally during intense periods of personal transformation, it will add ease and lightness to the process.

This power animal is a good inspiration for adding more color into your life and self-expression. Those who have the butterfly as a totem animal may be naturally inclined to express themselves openly, to reflect their colors into their environment.

5 June 2013

Seeds, part two

I tell myself, "this is but
   one moment in Time
Remember my indigenous Mind
   set into Earth
with Sunrises and Falls
   cause Change happens slowly after all"

"Share breath with the Wind
   and walk
Cleanse thoughts with the Water
   and talk
to Creator, connect spirit,
   and soul

Let the Love
   that has seeded
Take root
   and Grow"

Mickie
May 16, 2013
(started November 4, 2011)

7 October 2012

Seeds



hard not to be swayed
by the many whispered ways
cold hard cash seems to say

"I'll make things easy you see
so you too can be worry free
Refilling the want-what-you/they-want-now
make it up as you go" and not think about how

We/they'll return again to the poisons
that weave our cocoon, bubbled into our choices
that don't buy love or time or people back from the dead
all the money in the world wont buy peace in your/that head

And it's no small wonder we/they're broken
so few to show them
stealing innocence from youth
Leaves you wandering, few
who can teach them/us to garden, fill in the hollow
to candlelight down the path for others to follow

hear/speak the quiet whisper, "I wanna peek at your soul
where it goes
in the throes
What it has, what it needs
when the wind will blow the seeds
which grow from that, from us, home."


14 July 2012

Kings and Queens

Nov 2011

Things that are made last literally forever
get tossed tomorrow, cheap and useless
Like how some people get treated, and feel
Because Plastic and "perfect"
Is too much to bear
These things others have created
Pile up in perpetual guilt filled feed back
loops of consumption, instant gratification
That comes with playing
Kings and Queens
On our thrones on bones
 of the earth
medieval gluttony in every house
Instead of one castle on every other hill
And making BobbleHeads and Kinder Surprises
Our crowns that outlast our childrens, children's, children etc

I had to Fall to see. And Fail.
And stand again anyways. Rebuild one shame at a time
Through pride in my gifts from Creator,
That something that truly lasts forever,  a legacy
To speak my truth like no one else can
To brave rejection, cold loneliness
Until my soul speaks. And I listen
To reach out to someone who still can't
Get up out of the Plastic to see
Imperfect
Beautiful
Short
Lives we rule

Things don't have to be white to be pure
I don't have to know for sure
That dreams can go a-flying
True Kings and Queens are built by trying

3 July 2012

Weaving

Working on the stitching
to sew through skin without
flinching

Although it cuts me to the bone
I will not turn to
stone

I'LL stand stoic & weave
memories into blankets of
grief

If I pull through each pain
to survive each small
wave

Maybe I wont be engulfed the dayi won't see you
again


13 June 2012

Motherly advice

My father hadn't been feeling well for many months but chalked it up to stress since he just opened a new restaurant. He started drastically losing weight and finally decided to check into a hospital on May 24 to determine what exactly was going on.

On May 25 the word came back to his family of the diagnosis. We were pre-warned that it was going to be bad. Pancreatic cancer, late or end stage, and not operable. My father is not telling us what his expected life expectancy is but from a quick Internet search it is easy to see that he may not have long. I am not saying that to be pessimistic, but realistic. I hope and pray every day he will surprise us and live for many years.

1970 Tisdale, Saskatchewan
He opted for a clinical trial and has had the first round of chemotherapy. He is exhausted, very nauseous, and I believe, becoming depressed. The same man who a month ago was flying to and from Thunder Bay, launching a restaurant, preparing for the opening of his fishing lodge and planning his next adventure overseas is now stuck, sitting, helpless, unable to stay awake and frustrated by his body telling him his time is coming.

Since the diagnosis, well-meaning friends and relatives have been offering advice and words intended to comfort me. Some of the words do help, although I find that I feel the most helped when the person simply lets me do the talking. Remembering this I have been talking to my children about the possibility of their beloved grandfather (the only one they really have in their lives) not being able to see them again.

My children are 20, 17 and 13 years old respectively.  Last night I blurted out to "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best". And then I listened. And cried. And listened some more.

When I hung up the phone though, I wondered how I could follow my own advice. How do you "prepare" for the death of your father? Should I write, scream, cry, rail at the fates, what? There really isn't anyway to prepare yourself other than to feel it and try not to let it overwhelm you.

Me and my father have always had a rocky relationship. Neither one of us likes to be told what we should do, even from someone with the best intentions. My father wasn't always present in mine or my children's lives and I used to carry resentment that my sisters and brother's families had him to themselves mostly. I used to come to town with my kids for a visit and he would be there for a big family gathering one day and then flying out of town the next for a business trip. We very rarely had any one-on-one time with him; handfuls of those moments over the years would not add up to much. But those times were still precious and my children are better off.

2010 Cruise
Because that's who he is. I love him and have learned to accept him for that over the past couple of years. I've let go of my resentment. I just remember how I felt when someone told me that I was crazy to quit my cushy government job and go back to school or that I should have stayed married to a seemingly good man instead of divorcing him. No one really knows what happens behind closed doors. No one really knows what one can live with or what one is capable of doing.

Except for you.

I've made mistakes, I've thrown alot of baggage away and I've learned that, like my father, I can't live my life for my children, my parents, my siblings or anyone. I live it for me and I love my father for living his life for himself. He has created a legacy in the businesses he's built and they will live on long after he's gone. I know he always wanted me to be more of a part of them but I learned from the master. I follow my footsteps to where I need to be. I hope my children do too ♥




10 June 2012

walking through leaving
watch the wind breezing
earth caresses of breathing
through hair, into skin
flying past and within
memories; messages that last
sway slow enough to grasp
let close to your heart
whisper "it's there that you start"

May 20, 2012

24 January 2012

Broken

I've broke it again, that feeling of when
we were friends, and then more
and you wanted to soar on the vibe
but really inside saw the end

was in sight, try all your might
to be sure that I'm not the one
I'm still on the run, I don't want to be us
not ready for trust, can't bear the pain

of breaking it again.

22 December 2011

Burn

Sometimes I still miss you
so much I'd burn through
every bridge just to get to
a place to have you
see me as the one who
but one part of two.

But for me to be she
is not something I'll see
a place I'll never be
where I'll never stand
or hold your hand
So I burn inside instead

11 December 2011

Ever notice how your horoscope is more interesting than what actually happens?

My astrologer of choice (the one I have a free email subscription to) is Georgia Nichols. Her predictions sound like they could actually happen and her comments always give me a chuckle. But, wow, my life should be this interesting:

Last week's prediction

All Signs

On the whole this is a mellow week. To be sure, as we approach the Full Moon on Saturday, Dec. 10, there will be a build-up of tension on Thursday and Friday. But hey, we deal with a Full Moon every month. So this is nothing to be too anxious about; we just have to be aware. The Full Moon is in Gemini, which means Gemini, Sagittarius, Pisces and Virgo will feel its impact more than other signs, but everyone will feel it. It's easy to underestimate how the Moon creates constantly changing feelings. Some people show it; some people don't. (I think a lot of this depends on whether you are fear-based or beer-based.)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Many of you will enjoy tweaking your digs or redecorating because you're entertaining at home and having fun times with family. No question. (You love good conversation in a beautiful room with candles, good food and drink.) However, be careful driving and walking because the Full Moon at the end of the week is an accident-prone situation and this will manifest most strongly on Thursday and Friday. Think twice before you say anything or do anything. (Did you know that the origin of the word scruples means "to hesitate?") You might save yourself some grief by pausing to have a sober second thought.


Last week's actual events
I was supposed to get a Christmas tree on Sunday but didn't, drove all the way out to Rockland from Carelton Heights to pick my daughter up from a sleepover, braved the mall briefly with her (mostly for window shopping and alot of "I can just make that" statements) and ended Sunday with a bit of tidying and finishing up school assignments. During the week I attended every class because it is the last week of review before finals week and I even made peace with the class bully. I got some Christmas decor out of storage and thought about where it could go, but that's as far as I got.

Maybe I followed her advice subconsciously and actually thought twice before speaking or drove more carefully to avoid accidents. I ::did:: renew my car insurance and the week ::was:: pretty quiet. But there was no entertaining and I didn't trip on my own feet (like I usually would).

And This week's prediction

Weekly Horoscope: Sunday, December 11, 2011

All Signs

Last month I talked about the Mars attack we're all experiencing until next autumn. (For clarification, Mars will be in one sign for eight months instead of six-to-seven weeks, which it normally does every two years.) Naturally, this means this energy (and Mars is just energy) focuses on the same place in each of our charts for months. Oy! Kinda like a stuck record or CD. Read on to learn how each sign can best handle this influence because by now you surely can feel there's a disturbance in the Force. (And yes, I know, the Great Lakes died for our sins.)

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This is a most curious time for you and will continue to be this way for months ahead because deep unconscious urges and ideas are bubbling to the surface now. This stuff surprises even you! Past behaviour patterns, old fears and insecurities and worries might haunt you. (What's with this?) Literally, your unconscious thoughts are surfacing! Now, here is the eye-opener: Why are these thoughts and urges hidden in your subconscious? It must be that you're denying their existence and their validity. In turn, this means you have to face aspects about yourself you would rather deny. But hey, we all do this. We all have these aspects. (I've been keeping mine in a shoebox under my bed for years.)

Ohh, a disturbance in the Force, that can't be good. What will this week actually be like? Will I be haunted by my deep unconscious urges and have to release them after years of pushing them down? Will it be on YouTube? ;)

I have a week of final exams to get through, there won't be much time for mulling over hidden insecurities and I believe I've done a good job about dealing and accepting most of my demons over the past year or two.

But let's see what the future actually brings :) It looks like it'll be interesting!

-Mickie

20 September 2011

McDonald's, are you listening?


Garbage in the streets drives me bonkers. Ask my kids how often I've picked up coffee cups, straws and foam containers during my walks or bike rides. There is just so little justification for producing it most of the time. Plastic trash is the main reason why I usually avoid McDonald's. I broke down tonight because I'm a  broke student who needed a place to study with internet access for cheaper than a Starbucks coffee (ALOT cheaper). Also, they have lattes now. Yay.

I brought my own cup in (actually I forgot it in the car and had to go back and get it :S) The girl preparing the latte got the order but didn't notice I had my own drink container. I had them pour the drink into my cup and they threw the plastic one out. It got me thinking again of an idea I've had for a while. 

Outside Thunder Bay is Cousins restaurant, who will sell you a pie in a 10inch aluminum tin which you pay a small deposit for. Bring it back the next time and get your next pie in a new tin, leaving the dirty one behind and paying for just the pie. 


What about applying a similiar concept to McDonalds for coffee or other drinks? The Happy Meal toys were a huge collectors hit with the toys, but the last thing our plastic-ridden world needs  is more of the stuff or even the cute little TY animals (although I still have one because I can't part with Chocolate the Moose). 

My idea is for McDonald's to produce Happy Drinks which are actually just the container, a stainless steel container for hot drinks or recycled plastic "bike water bottle" style. The customer pays for the container on deposit and voila, less garbage and less new plastic that ends up on the street. If you happen to find one on the street, return it to any McDs and make a couple bucks!

Yes, they would have to have enough clean containers and more storage, but the transportation system is already in place to deliver the disposable cups, right? Why not deliver clean, sanitized cups  from a washing depot of sorts? Ok, that part I haven't quite figured out yet but this next element of the idea might make up for it.

In addition to creating "collectible" Happy Drinks you could also offer customers who bring their own cups in the chance to change the music If they are staying in the restaurant. They could have a selection of music stations to choose from up there with the menu choices. Seriously, I'm sitting in a McDs right now and I would dearly LOVE to change the tunes they are playing.  McDonald's would have to completely eliminate having disposable cups eventually but they may be gutsy enough to revolutionize the takeout industry they created to begin with.

So. Happy Drinks. Happy for you, the individual. For the company. And, (most importantly in my books) for the earth. That's pretty freakin Happy :) 

I actually pitched this to Starbucks on twitter awhile ago but they never called. LOL 


 Michelle Aura 

leave a deposit to use one of yours. Have similar stock available at each store. You could even have amazing store-to-store designs to vie 4

 Michelle Aura 

 I tweeted about your stores recently. What if you did away with plastic altogether? Use a real cup, bring your own mug or




 Michelle Aura 

@ 
 I do ask and get a real cup but I am so often the only one in the entire coffeeshop - it makes no sense to me...

 Michelle Aura 

Dear Starbucks or Tim Horton's: be the first coffeeshop to actually be a coffeeshop and NOT offer "paper" cups. Imagine!


5 August 2011

Pull

it's nothing we could forsee
so each of us could be
at the time, through the black,
playing with sparks of
fire

floating on air
melting on skin tasting in hair
right in the belly
right to the core
the pull that wants more

21 June 2011

I knew I was in this sort of mood .. I think

Horoscope #1: Inspiration, eccentricity, and imagination are the key issues in your love life. You are likely to feel the urge to do something completely out of character now, eclectic, maybe even a bit crazy. Don't fight the urge if it won't cause harmful consequences, go for it, you might be pleasantly surprised with the outcome.

Horoscope #2: Blind optimism transforms into enlightened realism today as your big ideas collide with a serious dose of the truth. Others may believe that your new and open perspective is more life-affirming than if you shut down your heart in fear. Don't judge yourself too harshly, for you cannot possibly know what you don't yet know. The most important thing you can do now is to make the best choices in the present moment before moving on.

I'm stopping there. Should be an interesting day eh?

3 May 2011

When it Sucks to be Single

I enjoy being single most of the time. I can do what I want when I want without answering to anyone. If I want to go to Cape Breton and backpack for a week, I can. Or if I spend all my savings on a trip across Europe, it's my money.

But being single sucks when you're sick. I started feeling nauseous, getting chills yesterday and a horrible headache began this morning. I texted my roommate to let him know that I wasn't able to keep up my share of the chores and why. He was good with it and is leaving me be to get better on my own.

It would be so nice if I was in a relationship and my man brought me soup or something just because.

Ok, I know, I'm being a big suck right now. I don't necessarily want someone around (especially if I'm contagious) but it makes me feel so much better when they show they're thinking of me and wanting me to feel better. Pout :(

Thanks for listening, I'm going to make herbal tea and crawl back into bed now...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dghir9oCmKQ Cold as it Gets / Patty Griffin

13 April 2011

Every two months

Another night watching the stars
wondering if you look up where you are
if you sometimes stand and gaze
thinking of days riding the waves
of that feeling, the ongoing reeling
of body and soul the before you know
(even though you do) wanting to show
your Queen a path to wander to
see if it leads to me and you

7 April 2011

Buying crap has to stop

Things need to be valued at their true cost to nature and fast.


From: The Ghost Park, April 5, 2011 Men's Journal

If you think global warming is some distant threat, come visit Yellowstone, our most beloved national park. Acres of trees are dying, trout runs are disappearing, and starving bears are attacking campers. It’s an ecosystem in collapse, and things are only getting worse.
by Paul Solotaroff // photographs by Christopher LaMarca
"To her credit, she hadn’t become a “problem bear,” the park officials’ term for hundreds of hungry grizzlies who venture into town prowling for food. Though Yellowstone’s 600 bears aren’t confined to the park itself — they’re given free run of the greater ecosystem, an area that stretches from central Wyoming to the forests of northern Montana — there simply wasn’t enough alternative food to see all of them through the summer.

And while full-grown males have the brawn and bravado to venture off the range in search of meat, a mother grizzly rarely leaves the safety of her turf, lest a wolf pack or another bear kill her cubs. Timidity had its virtues: She wasn’t one of the 80 or so bears shot the year before while picking apples off a tree or nosing through trash in someone’s backyard, or given a lethal injection by U.S. Fish and Wildlife vets for grazing on the bluegrass near a school.

Six weeks before, the first shoe dropped. On June 17, 2010 an adult male bear (or boar, as they’re called by biologists) killed a veteran hiker who had the wretched luck to cross his path. Erwin Evert, a botanist and and retired science teacher, had spent most of his career studying Yellowstone’s flora and had just brought out his life’s masterwork, the first comprehensive catalog of plants in the area in more than a hundred years.

On his daily hike near Wyoming’s Kitty Creek, the easternmost of the park’s gateways, he wandered into a copse where a team of federal researchers had trapped and sedated a bear. Alas, they hadn’t posted warning signs or waited until the boar was sufficiently roused to pad back into the brush. Dazed and in pain (he’d been darted three times with a chemical cognate of PCP, then had blood, teeth, and hair pulled for study reasons), the bear bit Evert through the skull and skittered off; he was shot two days later by marksmen in a chopper who tracked his radio signal. There hadn’t been a bear-caused fatality in the park in 24 years, though given the grim developments of the prior decade — a 10-year run of extreme drought and heat, and a glut of famished grizzlies — the screw was bound to turn. On July 28, it turned again, and this time it wasn’t about human error or the caprices of nature’s law. This time, it was a taste of things to come.

Sometime after midnight on a streamside slope near the northeast end of the park, the sow and her three cubs entered Soda Butte Campground, drawn by the lingering smell of broiled fish. After trying in vain to pry the tamper-proof lids off food bins and garbage cans, the sow poked her nose under the fly of a tent. She bit the leg of its occupant, Ronald Singer, who managed to drive her off with panicked blows. A short while later, around 2:15 am, Deborah Freele awoke in her tent at No. 11 to find the sow gnawing on her arm. She shrieked and fought back, but the bear bit down harder, snapping bones.

By now, there was tumult in adjacent sites, people dashing around and honking car horns in warning, and the sow let go of Freele and ran away. A couple of hours later, rangers and deputies scoured the pitch-dark camp. Near the western end, 600 yards from Freele’s tent, they came upon the gnawed remains of a man named Kevin Kammer. Kammer, a medic from Grand Rapids, Michigan, whose lifelong dream was to fish Yellowstone’s streams, had been dragged from his tent, killed by several bites, then consumed from chest to groin. There were several sets of prints on his flattened tent — the sow’s and at least one of her cubs’.

Park Service wardens, who trapped the sow and dispatched her via lethal injection, denounced her as a rogue whose “predatory” act was indefensible but rare. (Her cubs were transported across the state for permanent residence in a zoo.) Test after test was conducted, post-mortem, to establish her motivation. Was she rabid? No. Exotic diseases? None. Maddened by injury or wounds?

The federal Interagency Grizzly Bear Study Team, which took charge of the investigation, needed a month to conclude that there was “no clear explanation for the behavior of this bear,” though a lucid possibility fairly leaped off her chart.

Her weight at the time of death was 216 pounds, or about 80 pounds less than average for a full-grown sow. Like her cubs, called malnourished by the zoo’s curator, and countless other bears forced downhill by hunger, she was a forerunner of the turmoil that awaits us all: species pushed to breaking by climate change.

...


Suspended over the Earth, like the bolt of cheap foam that underlies a living-room rug, are trillions of gas molecules that shake when light hits them, creating heat and sending it earthward. Those molecules, produced by natural activities like plant respiration and volcanoes, have hung there since the planet became livable, post–Ice Age; absent carbon dioxide, methane, and other dense vapors, Palm Springs would still be permafrost. And as we’ve learned by drilling holes into Arctic ice sheets to read their chemical profiles, the ratio of those particles had held remarkably firm for 10,000 years or so, balancing the energy retained from the sun with the amount sent back into space.

But since the construction, in 1750, of the first coal-fired factories (and the invention, a century later, of the internal-combustion engine), the density of greenhouse gases has increased by a third, holding in much of the solar radiation that bounces off sidewalks and snowcaps. This set up a vicious feedback loop, in which the extra heat was reflected down into the soil or got stored in those giant holding vats, our oceans.
"If we could somehow scale back carbon, we’d still stay hot for centuries, manifesting the energy trapped in seas,” says Running, the University of Montana ecologist. “But if we don’t scale it back, we’ll soon cross a threshold where all of the sea ice melts — and then there’s no telling how high the oceans will get or any known way to make it stop.”
For eons, nature balanced its own emissions by capturing some of the gases in carbon sinks like marshes, soil, and forests. Trees are particularly deft sponges of carbon: Their leaves or needles convert it to sugars that feed them from crown to root, and they go on sopping up noxious particles until they rot, burn down, or get logged. But when clear-cutting commenced on a massive scale in the middle of the 19th century, the planet doubled down on its carbon load, making much more and trapping less. Roughly half the world’s woodlands have vanished since then. There’s a net loss the size of Greece each year — and no effort under way to start replanting."

M's notes: I've got an idea. Stop wasting earth's precious carbon to produce or buy things that contaminate it like plastics, factory produced food and "natural" gas.

28 March 2011

Had I the days in hand to string,
Only in forest they'd be strewn,
But circumstances drive us on
In narrow paths by Kismet hewn.
For Fate has ways we cannot change
While weakness preys upon our Will.
We bolster with excuse the self,
And help that Fate ourselves to kill.
Kahlìl Gibran translated by G. Kheirallah 1958