18 October 2015
PeriMe
I turn 47 tomorrow. That's messing with my mind. I feel like a teenager lately with my biggest goal being to FigureMyShitOut.
I'm work in water treatment after spending years and big piles of money to certify for this career but I am a stranger in a strange land there most of the time.
I have the opportunity again to run my late father's restaurant (I know, AGAIN??). But do I ::really:: want to do that?? Like really, really, really?
I volunteer with my local conservation authority and am a newly annoited Neighbourhood Leader for a food rescue organization. I love the volunteer work but it does not pay the bills.
I'm interested in permaculture and aboriginal knowledge of the land and water and spend alot of time on building understanding through ceremony. But I was not born to native parents and may or may not have aboriginal ancenstry so there are times where I feel like I don't belong in some of those circles.
And of course there's the physical acrobatics. My body reminds me at very irregular times with either a no show or a flood that the clock ticks are counting down. My mood is just as unpredictable.
Physical. Emotional. Mental. Spiritual.
Working on one at a time these days.
Thanks for reading...
11 February 2015
truth [past life]
that drag me off to a raging sea
ride the waves of hopes and plans
crash on the shore of reality again and again
it gets harder to lift myself back up
to keep the faith, to trust, to love
alone in my tower staring through glass
thinking I can leave things in the past
I do know at least this to be true
I'm not strong enough to wait for you
sit, imprisoned for another year
kept company with pain and tears
letting 'what this is' (was) go will hurt
but each day brings me further out
farther away from your embrace
that never seems to want to come my way
2011
6 November 2013
Butterfly Symbolism
Butterfly Symbolism
What is the meaning of the butterfly? This animal totem is primarily associated with symbolism of change and transformation.
Powerful transformation, metamorphosis in your life, personality
Moving through different life cycles
Renewal, rebirth
Lightness of being, playfulness
Elevation from earthly matters, tuning into emotional or spiritual
The world of the soul, the psyche
A secondary meaning of the butterfly is about finding joy in life and lightness of being.
Butterfly totem and transformation
The butterfly is a symbol of powerful transformations. By analogy to the development of this animal, the meaning associated with the butterfly emphasizes the ability to move from one state, perspective, lifestyle to another.
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| Mark Anthony Jacobson, 2009 |
Butterfly totem symbol of joy and lightness of being
When the butterfly shows up in your life as a spirit animal or totem, it might indicate the need to look at a conflicting situation with more lightness and different perspective. This totem animal is symbolic of lightness of being and elevation from the heaviness of tensions.
This power animal invites those who have a connection with it to bring joy and bliss into their lives. Butterflies often have bright colors. By extension, they are associated with aliveness and brightness. The message of this totem animal is to lighten up and add more color to your life. Perhaps it’s time to express yourself more fully and show your colorful personality.
The Butterfly and the world of the Soul
In many traditions around the world, the butterfly is a symbol of the soul or soul world. For example, in Chinese symbology, it can represent immortality. For the Japanese, a white butterfly symbolizes the soul the departed ones.
In Ancient Greece, butterflies represent the psyche or soul, and its attribute of immortality.
Calling the butterfly totem for support
The butterfly is a powerful animal to call when you need support in times of transition, whether it’s at work, in a relationship, or when you’re doing inner work. Great ally during intense periods of personal transformation, it will add ease and lightness to the process.
This power animal is a good inspiration for adding more color into your life and self-expression. Those who have the butterfly as a totem animal may be naturally inclined to express themselves openly, to reflect their colors into their environment.
5 June 2013
Seeds, part two
one moment in Time
Remember my indigenous Mind
set into Earth
with Sunrises and Falls
cause Change happens slowly after all"
"Share breath with the Wind
and walk
Cleanse thoughts with the Water
and talk
to Creator, connect spirit,
and soul
Let the Love
that has seeded
Take root
and Grow"
Mickie
May 16, 2013
(started November 4, 2011)
17 November 2012
7 October 2012
Seeds
hard not to be swayed
by the many whispered ways
cold hard cash seems to say
"I'll make things easy you see
so you too can be worry free
Refilling the want-what-you/they-want-now
make it up as you go" and not think about how
We/they'll return again to the poisons
that weave our cocoon, bubbled into our choices
that don't buy love or time or people back from the dead
all the money in the world wont buy peace in your/that head
And it's no small wonder we/they're broken
so few to show them
stealing innocence from youth
Leaves you wandering, few
who can teach them/us to garden, fill in the hollow
to candlelight down the path for others to follow
hear/speak the quiet whisper, "I wanna peek at your soul
where it goes
in the throes
What it has, what it needs
when the wind will blow the seeds
which grow from that, from us, home."
14 July 2012
Kings and Queens
Things that are made last literally forever
get tossed tomorrow, cheap and useless
Like how some people get treated, and feel
Because Plastic and "perfect"
Is too much to bear
These things others have created
Pile up in perpetual guilt filled feed back
loops of consumption, instant gratification
That comes with playing
Kings and Queens
On our thrones on bones
of the earth
medieval gluttony in every house
Instead of one castle on every other hill
And making BobbleHeads and Kinder Surprises
Our crowns that outlast our childrens, children's, children etc
I had to Fall to see. And Fail.
And stand again anyways. Rebuild one shame at a time
Through pride in my gifts from Creator,
That something that truly lasts forever, a legacy
To speak my truth like no one else can
To brave rejection, cold loneliness
Until my soul speaks. And I listen
To reach out to someone who still can't
Get up out of the Plastic to see
Imperfect
Beautiful
Short
Lives we rule
Things don't have to be white to be pure
I don't have to know for sure
That dreams can go a-flying
True Kings and Queens are built by trying
3 July 2012
Weaving
to sew through skin without
flinching
Although it cuts me to the bone
I will not turn to
stone
I'LL stand stoic & weave
memories into blankets of
grief
If I pull through each pain
to survive each small
wave
Maybe I wont be engulfed the dayi won't see you
again
13 June 2012
Motherly advice
On May 25 the word came back to his family of the diagnosis. We were pre-warned that it was going to be bad. Pancreatic cancer, late or end stage, and not operable. My father is not telling us what his expected life expectancy is but from a quick Internet search it is easy to see that he may not have long. I am not saying that to be pessimistic, but realistic. I hope and pray every day he will surprise us and live for many years.
| 1970 Tisdale, Saskatchewan |
Since the diagnosis, well-meaning friends and relatives have been offering advice and words intended to comfort me. Some of the words do help, although I find that I feel the most helped when the person simply lets me do the talking. Remembering this I have been talking to my children about the possibility of their beloved grandfather (the only one they really have in their lives) not being able to see them again.
My children are 20, 17 and 13 years old respectively. Last night I blurted out to "prepare for the worst, but hope for the best". And then I listened. And cried. And listened some more.
When I hung up the phone though, I wondered how I could follow my own advice. How do you "prepare" for the death of your father? Should I write, scream, cry, rail at the fates, what? There really isn't anyway to prepare yourself other than to feel it and try not to let it overwhelm you.
Me and my father have always had a rocky relationship. Neither one of us likes to be told what we should do, even from someone with the best intentions. My father wasn't always present in mine or my children's lives and I used to carry resentment that my sisters and brother's families had him to themselves mostly. I used to come to town with my kids for a visit and he would be there for a big family gathering one day and then flying out of town the next for a business trip. We very rarely had any one-on-one time with him; handfuls of those moments over the years would not add up to much. But those times were still precious and my children are better off.
| 2010 Cruise |
Except for you.
I've made mistakes, I've thrown alot of baggage away and I've learned that, like my father, I can't live my life for my children, my parents, my siblings or anyone. I live it for me and I love my father for living his life for himself. He has created a legacy in the businesses he's built and they will live on long after he's gone. I know he always wanted me to be more of a part of them but I learned from the master. I follow my footsteps to where I need to be. I hope my children do too ♥
10 June 2012
24 January 2012
Broken
we were friends, and then more
and you wanted to soar on the vibe
but really inside saw the end
was in sight, try all your might
to be sure that I'm not the one
I'm still on the run, I don't want to be us
not ready for trust, can't bear the pain
of breaking it again.
22 December 2011
Burn
so much I'd burn through
every bridge just to get to
a place to have you
see me as the one who
but one part of two.
But for me to be she
is not something I'll see
a place I'll never be
where I'll never stand
or hold your hand
So I burn inside instead
11 December 2011
Ever notice how your horoscope is more interesting than what actually happens?
Last week's prediction
All Signs
Last week's actual events
I was supposed to get a Christmas tree on Sunday but didn't, drove all the way out to Rockland from Carelton Heights to pick my daughter up from a sleepover, braved the mall briefly with her (mostly for window shopping and alot of "I can just make that" statements) and ended Sunday with a bit of tidying and finishing up school assignments. During the week I attended every class because it is the last week of review before finals week and I even made peace with the class bully. I got some Christmas decor out of storage and thought about where it could go, but that's as far as I got.
Maybe I followed her advice subconsciously and actually thought twice before speaking or drove more carefully to avoid accidents. I ::did:: renew my car insurance and the week ::was:: pretty quiet. But there was no entertaining and I didn't trip on my own feet (like I usually would).
And This week's prediction
Weekly Horoscope: Sunday, December 11, 2011
All Signs
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
This is a most curious time for you and will continue to be this way for months ahead because deep unconscious urges and ideas are bubbling to the surface now. This stuff surprises even you! Past behaviour patterns, old fears and insecurities and worries might haunt you. (What's with this?) Literally, your unconscious thoughts are surfacing! Now, here is the eye-opener: Why are these thoughts and urges hidden in your subconscious? It must be that you're denying their existence and their validity. In turn, this means you have to face aspects about yourself you would rather deny. But hey, we all do this. We all have these aspects. (I've been keeping mine in a shoebox under my bed for years.)
Ohh, a disturbance in the Force, that can't be good. What will this week actually be like? Will I be haunted by my deep unconscious urges and have to release them after years of pushing them down? Will it be on YouTube? ;)
I have a week of final exams to get through, there won't be much time for mulling over hidden insecurities and I believe I've done a good job about dealing and accepting most of my demons over the past year or two.
But let's see what the future actually brings :) It looks like it'll be interesting!
-Mickie
20 September 2011
McDonald's, are you listening?
What about applying a similiar concept to McDonalds for coffee or other drinks? The Happy Meal toys were a huge collectors hit with the toys, but the last thing our plastic-ridden world needs is more of the stuff or even the cute little TY animals (although I still have one because I can't part with Chocolate the Moose).
5 August 2011
Pull
so each of us could be
at the time, through the black,
playing with sparks of
fire
floating on air
melting on skin tasting in hair
right in the belly
right to the core
the pull that wants more
21 June 2011
I knew I was in this sort of mood .. I think
Horoscope #2: Blind optimism transforms into enlightened realism today as your big ideas collide with a serious dose of the truth. Others may believe that your new and open perspective is more life-affirming than if you shut down your heart in fear. Don't judge yourself too harshly, for you cannot possibly know what you don't yet know. The most important thing you can do now is to make the best choices in the present moment before moving on.
I'm stopping there. Should be an interesting day eh?
3 May 2011
When it Sucks to be Single
But being single sucks when you're sick. I started feeling nauseous, getting chills yesterday and a horrible headache began this morning. I texted my roommate to let him know that I wasn't able to keep up my share of the chores and why. He was good with it and is leaving me be to get better on my own.
It would be so nice if I was in a relationship and my man brought me soup or something just because.
Ok, I know, I'm being a big suck right now. I don't necessarily want someone around (especially if I'm contagious) but it makes me feel so much better when they show they're thinking of me and wanting me to feel better. Pout :(
Thanks for listening, I'm going to make herbal tea and crawl back into bed now...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dghir9oCmKQ Cold as it Gets / Patty Griffin
13 April 2011
Every two months
wondering if you look up where you are
if you sometimes stand and gaze
thinking of days riding the waves
of that feeling, the ongoing reeling
of body and soul the before you know
(even though you do) wanting to show
your Queen a path to wander to
see if it leads to me and you
7 April 2011
Buying crap has to stop
From: The Ghost Park, April 5, 2011 Men's Journal
If you think global warming is some distant threat, come visit Yellowstone, our most beloved national park. Acres of trees are dying, trout runs are disappearing, and starving bears are attacking campers. It’s an ecosystem in collapse, and things are only getting worse.
by Paul Solotaroff // photographs by Christopher LaMarca
"To her credit, she hadn’t become a “problem bear,” the park officials’ term for hundreds of hungry grizzlies who venture into town prowling for food. Though Yellowstone’s 600 bears aren’t confined to the park itself — they’re given free run of the greater ecosystem, an area that stretches from central Wyoming to the forests of northern Montana — there simply wasn’t enough alternative food to see all of them through the summer.And while full-grown males have the brawn and bravado to venture off the range in search of meat, a mother grizzly rarely leaves the safety of her turf, lest a wolf pack or another bear kill her cubs. Timidity had its virtues: She wasn’t one of the 80 or so bears shot the year before while picking apples off a tree or nosing through trash in someone’s backyard, or given a lethal injection by U.S. Fish and Wildlife vets for grazing on the bluegrass near a school.
Six weeks before, the first shoe dropped. On June 17, 2010 an adult male bear (or boar, as they’re called by biologists) killed a veteran hiker who had the wretched luck to cross his path. Erwin Evert, a botanist and and retired science teacher, had spent most of his career studying Yellowstone’s flora and had just brought out his life’s masterwork, the first comprehensive catalog of plants in the area in more than a hundred years.
On his daily hike near Wyoming’s Kitty Creek, the easternmost of the park’s gateways, he wandered into a copse where a team of federal researchers had trapped and sedated a bear. Alas, they hadn’t posted warning signs or waited until the boar was sufficiently roused to pad back into the brush. Dazed and in pain (he’d been darted three times with a chemical cognate of PCP, then had blood, teeth, and hair pulled for study reasons), the bear bit Evert through the skull and skittered off; he was shot two days later by marksmen in a chopper who tracked his radio signal. There hadn’t been a bear-caused fatality in the park in 24 years, though given the grim developments of the prior decade — a 10-year run of extreme drought and heat, and a glut of famished grizzlies — the screw was bound to turn. On July 28, it turned again, and this time it wasn’t about human error or the caprices of nature’s law. This time, it was a taste of things to come.
Sometime after midnight on a streamside slope near the northeast end of the park, the sow and her three cubs entered Soda Butte Campground, drawn by the lingering smell of broiled fish. After trying in vain to pry the tamper-proof lids off food bins and garbage cans, the sow poked her nose under the fly of a tent. She bit the leg of its occupant, Ronald Singer, who managed to drive her off with panicked blows. A short while later, around 2:15 am, Deborah Freele awoke in her tent at No. 11 to find the sow gnawing on her arm. She shrieked and fought back, but the bear bit down harder, snapping bones.
By now, there was tumult in adjacent sites, people dashing around and honking car horns in warning, and the sow let go of Freele and ran away. A couple of hours later, rangers and deputies scoured the pitch-dark camp. Near the western end, 600 yards from Freele’s tent, they came upon the gnawed remains of a man named Kevin Kammer. Kammer, a medic from Grand Rapids, Michigan, whose lifelong dream was to fish Yellowstone’s streams, had been dragged from his tent, killed by several bites, then consumed from chest to groin. There were several sets of prints on his flattened tent — the sow’s and at least one of her cubs’.
The federal Interagency Grizzly Bear Study Team, which took charge of the investigation, needed a month to conclude that there was “no clear explanation for the behavior of this bear,” though a lucid possibility fairly leaped off her chart.
Her weight at the time of death was 216 pounds, or about 80 pounds less than average for a full-grown sow. Like her cubs, called malnourished by the zoo’s curator, and countless other bears forced downhill by hunger, she was a forerunner of the turmoil that awaits us all: species pushed to breaking by climate change.
...
Suspended over the Earth, like the bolt of cheap foam that underlies a living-room rug, are trillions of gas molecules that shake when light hits them, creating heat and sending it earthward. Those molecules, produced by natural activities like plant respiration and volcanoes, have hung there since the planet became livable, post–Ice Age; absent carbon dioxide, methane, and other dense vapors, Palm Springs would still be permafrost. And as we’ve learned by drilling holes into Arctic ice sheets to read their chemical profiles, the ratio of those particles had held remarkably firm for 10,000 years or so, balancing the energy retained from the sun with the amount sent back into space.
But since the construction, in 1750, of the first coal-fired factories (and the invention, a century later, of the internal-combustion engine), the density of greenhouse gases has increased by a third, holding in much of the solar radiation that bounces off sidewalks and snowcaps. This set up a vicious feedback loop, in which the extra heat was reflected down into the soil or got stored in those giant holding vats, our oceans.
"If we could somehow scale back carbon, we’d still stay hot for centuries, manifesting the energy trapped in seas,” says Running, the University of Montana ecologist. “But if we don’t scale it back, we’ll soon cross a threshold where all of the sea ice melts — and then there’s no telling how high the oceans will get or any known way to make it stop.”For eons, nature balanced its own emissions by capturing some of the gases in carbon sinks like marshes, soil, and forests. Trees are particularly deft sponges of carbon: Their leaves or needles convert it to sugars that feed them from crown to root, and they go on sopping up noxious particles until they rot, burn down, or get logged. But when clear-cutting commenced on a massive scale in the middle of the 19th century, the planet doubled down on its carbon load, making much more and trapping less. Roughly half the world’s woodlands have vanished since then. There’s a net loss the size of Greece each year — and no effort under way to start replanting."
M's notes: I've got an idea. Stop wasting earth's precious carbon to produce or buy things that contaminate it like plastics, factory produced food and "natural" gas.
28 March 2011
Had I the days in hand to string,Kahlìl Gibran translated by G. Kheirallah 1958
Only in forest they'd be strewn,
But circumstances drive us on
In narrow paths by Kismet hewn.
For Fate has ways we cannot change
While weakness preys upon our Will.
We bolster with excuse the self,
And help that Fate ourselves to kill.


