23 June 2008

RIP George Carlin †

Some great quotes by American stand-up Comedian, Actor and Author George Carlin who passed away today at the age of 71.
  1. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town

  2. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

  3. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

  4. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

  5. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

  6. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

  7. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things

  8. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

  9. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

  10. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

  11. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

  13. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

  14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

  16. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

  17. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

  18. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

  19. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

  20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

  21. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

  22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

  23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

  24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

  25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

  26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

  27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

  28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

  29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

  30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

  31. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

  32. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

  33. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

  34. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.